Ho Ho No – Christmas Turkies

Christmas is the season of goodwill to all men (and women). However, that generosity of spirit need not – and should not – extend to the slew of bad yuletide movies that make a plate of soggy Brussels sprouts look appealing.

For every Elf, It’s A Wonderful Life or Scrooged there are countless turkies seeking to cash-in on our festive cheer that make you want to shout “bah humbug” at their sheer cynicism and ineptitude.

Below are a selection of just some of the many risible Christmas movies I’ve unfortunately come across over the years. Consider this list a warning – don’t ruin your well-earned festive goodwill by subjecting yourselves to them. That being said, I’d love to know:

What are the worst Christmas movies you’ve seen?

Santa With Muscles (1996)

Santa With Muscles

In an all-too-familiar example of commerce winning over common sense, there was a period back in the 1990s when Terry Gene Bollea, otherwise known by his ring name Hulk Hogan, was something approaching a movie star. The fact he coudn’t act seemed unimportant. Put it down to collective insanity on the part of all involved (including Mila Kunis in only her second film), but Santa With Muscles must figure as one of the most far-out excursions into Christmas movie-making ever seen. Hogan stretches himself by playing a professional wrestler who believes he’s Santa Claus following a bang to noggin and tries to save an orphanage from an evil scientist. I’ll leave it there.

Four Christmases (2008)

Four Christmases

The truly uninspired (and poorly photoshopped) poster for Four Christmases of Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon standing with their backs to each other should tell you all you need to know about this car crash of a film. Christmas should be a happy time of year, but Vaughn and Withspoon turn this tale of a couple visiting their divorced parents’ homes on Christmas Day into one of the most joyless experiences you can imagine. Worse still, the film co-stars Jon Favreau, which only serves to make you want to go back and watch Swingers instead.

Jack Frost (1998)

Jack Frost

No, not the 1964 Russian film (or the 1997 cult horror comedy), but rather the frankly bizarre fantasy flick starring Michael Keaton as the titular Jack Frost, who dies in a car accident and returns to life as a snowman. I’ll repeat that: returns to life AS A SNOWMAN and gets a second chance “to be the world’s coolest dad” to his young son. The classic animated short film The Snowman showed how magically something akin to this can be done; however, Jack Frost simply tugs the heartstrings (and trips the mind) and hopes that’ll be enough for audiences to ignore just what a pile of yellow snow it is.

Surviving Christmas (2004)

Surviving Christmas

Ben Affleck is now enjoying the fruits of a successful directorial and acting career, but there was a time not so long ago when all he touched turned to poop. Alongside such box office bombs as Gigli and his other Christmas-set movie Reindeer Games, Surviving Christmas came and went from cinemas quicker than you can say “Santa”. It’s an appropriate title, as watching Affleck as an annoying millionaire who pays a family to spend the festive season with him feels like an exercise in survival itself. What’s even more tragic is that it also stars the late James Gandolfini.

Fred Claus (2007)

Fred Claus

Vince Vaughn has the dishonour of appearing twice on this list, such are his crimes against Christmas cinema. Here he plays Fred, the elder and less well known brother of Santa Claus (Paul Giamatti), who is forced to make toys at Christmas HQ after being bailed out of jail by his younger sibling – with unamusing results. In spite of a great cast (Giamatti, Miranda Richardson, Kevin Spacey, Kathy Bates, Rachel Weisz), the film will leave you as cold as its North Pole setting. Now please Mr Vaughn: stop making Christmas movies. Think of the kids.

Four Frames – JFK (1991)

This is my latest contribution to The Big Picture, the internationally-recognised magazine and website that offers an intelligent take on cinema, focussing on how film affects our lives. This piece is part of the Four Frames section, wherein the importance of four significant shots are discussed, in this case from Oliver Stone’s conspiracy epic JFK.

Jean-Luc Godard once said that “the cinema is truth 24 times a second … and every cut is a lie”.

The silent, grainy footage shot by Abraham Zapruder on November 22, 1963 as US President John F Kennedy’s motorcade passed through Dealey Plaza in Dallas lasts less than 30 seconds, features no cuts, and provides the ‘truth’ a conspiracy took place to assassinate JFK, according to New Orleans District Attorney Jim Garrison (Kevin Costner) and, in turn, director Oliver Stone.

JFK

Stone’s sprawling, dissentious and riveting passion project remains as fascinating today as on its release almost 25 years ago and has come under the spotlight once again in light of the 50th anniversary of JFK’s murder.

JFK

Equal parts conspiracy thriller, murder mystery and procedural, the film’s final act is given over to courtroom drama as Garrison goes to trial to expose New Orleans businessman Clay Shaw’s (Tommy Lee Jones) involvement in a plot to kill Kennedy; although it soon becomes apparent he’s more concerned with proving that a shadowy cabal of the ‘military-industrial complex’, Mafia, CIA, FBI and Secret Service staged a coup d’état by assassinating the president.

JFK

In a bravura sequence, masterfully edited and underpinned by John Williams’ iconic score, Garrison/Stone use the Zapruder film to shoot down the so-called ‘magic bullet theory’ and prove Lee Harvey Oswald was a patsy by implying there were three gunmen in Dealey Plaza that day, one of whom was positioned on a grassy knoll and took the kill shot, causing Kennedy’s head to snap “back … and to the left”. Just in case it doesn’t sink in, Garrison methodically repeats the phrase over a loop of Zapruder’s fateful footage.

JFK

Costner, whose “Crash” Davies had declared Oswald to be the lone gunman in Bull Durham two years earlier, amps up the tub-thumping righteousness when he posits that America has surrendered to an Orwellian nightmare wherein truth has been murdered by fascism before finally breaking the fourth wall and declaring “it’s up to you”.

The film sparked a new wave of conspiracy-fuelled movies and TV series that declared the truth was out there, 24 times a second or otherwise.

Whether you believe Stone’s labyrinthine vision or not is ultimately irrelevant; JFK is a sensory-shredding descent down the rabbit hole and a primal scream from one of cinema’s most unique voices.

The Horror, The Horror – Film’s Freakiest Scenes (A Personal List)

Cinema is an emotive beast; it can make us laugh out loud, shed a tear or think about things is a new and different way.

It can also scare the bejesus out of us. Horror is almost as old as cinema itself and over the past century or so has adapted to reflect the times we live in.

We love having our primal fears tapped into and each of us is affected differently. For some it’s slasher movies, while for others it’s good old fashioned creature features. For me it’s supernatural horror, which shouldn’t come as a big surprise when glancing over the list below.

This is just a limited selection of scenes that have freaked me out over the years. There are many more I could list, but I’d much prefer to find out:

What are your scariest scenes?

Ring (1998)
Sadako

The J-Horror wave produced plenty of scares, but none as blood-curdling as this deeply unsettling scene from the supremely effective Ring (Ringu). Unfortunate viewers of a cursed video receive a phone call telling them they will die exactly one week later.  It’s a fate that befalls poor Ryūji (Hiroyuki Sanada), who watches the TV with mounting horror as the vengeful spirit of Sadako crawls out a well and then out of the TV towards Ryūji. It’s a terrifying conclusion to a film that severely curtailed my video cassette watching.

The Haunting (1963)
“Whose Hand Was I Holding?”

There’s nothing like a well-made haunted house movie to really chill the bones and Robert Wise’s classic The Haunting (as opposed to the dreadful 1999 remake) is as good as it gets. Highly strung Eleanor Vance (Julie Harris) agrees to join several others to disprove the ghostly tales that have built up around a creaky old house by staying there for a few days and nights. Big mistake. Wise slowly cranks up the tension and spooky goings on to unbearable levels, not least of which in the unnerving scene when Eleanor is in bed and trying to shut out the ghoulish crying and laughter emanating from the walls. She thinks her hand is being held by Theodora (Claire Bloom), only to discover she’s in bed across the room. “Whose hand was I holding?” a terrified Eleanor asks, not wishing to know the answer.

Zodiac (2007)
The Basement

Although not a horror movie per se, there’s plenty in David Fincher’s 2007 masterpiece about the obsessive – and ultimately unsuccessful – hunt by a detective (Mark Ruffalo), crime reporter (Robert Downey Jr) and political cartoonist (Jake Gyllenhaal) to identify the Zodiac killer, who murdered several people in the late 1960s and early 1970s. Fincher, who showed he could do grisly in Seven, amps up a different kind of dread here, not least of which in the hair-rasing scene when Gyllenhaal’s Robert Graysmith visits the home of movie projectionist Bob Vaughn (Charles Fleischer), believing he can shed light on the case. Following the unnerving Vaughn down into his basement, the paranoid Graysmith suddenly believes he’s standing in front of Zodiac himself. It’s a masterclass in psychological horror on Fincher’s part, helped in no small part by Gyllenhaal’s convincingly strung out performance.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)
The House

One of the first films to properly take advantage of viral marketing, the buzz around The Blair Witch Project had audiences freaking out before they even set foot in the theatre. Despite trying to convince you otherwise, horror movies are generally at their best when they adopt the less is more approach and it certainly works here. It also reinvigorated the found footage sub-genre, for better or worse. More than just a story of three student filmmakers getting lost in the woods while investigating a local witch legend, the genuinely terrified reactions of its cast elicit a raw fear in the audience that builds and builds until the frenzied finale when they enter what appears to be an abandoned house… only to find out something terrible lurks inside.

REC (2007)
Night Vision

One of the more effective found footage films that followed in the wake of The Blair Witch Project was this low-budget Spanish zombie flick, which follows a TV crew as they cover a fire station’s night shift. They’re called to check on an old woman who’s trapped in her apartment, but before they know it all hell breaks loose when the old dear – and others within the apartment block – turns very, very nasty. Although not to everyone’s taste, REC‘s use of ‘shaky cam’ is particularly effective and adds a sense of chaotic terror to proceedings. It’s a pretty scary film throughout and the heart beats that much faster during the nerve-shredding climax, which borrows the night vision technique of The Silence Of The Lambs and throws in extra nastiness.

The Eye (2002)
The Lift

The second Asian film on this list (and another product of the Hollywood remake machine) that truly chills, the concept of The Eye  is simple. A young blind woman regains her sight after undergoing cornea transplant surgery, but this gift turns into a curse when she begins seeing figures that seem to foretell death. Her visions are as distressing as they are supremely hair-raising, in particular the one she experiences when she enters a lift and realises she’s not alone. As the lift ever-so-slowly reaches its destination, a figure first seen facing the corner floats closer and closer to her, cranking up the creepiness to unbearable levels.

Directors Who Should Call It A Day

I recently ran the Debuts Blogathon with Chris at Terry Malloy’s Pigeon Coop which examined the first features of directors from the length and breadth of world cinema.

One of the areas I was keen for each entry to examine was whether a director’s early output matched their later work. It’s rare to find a director with an unblemished record, but there’s nothing sadder than seeing one whose work you once fervently followed becoming a shadow of their former selves.

In the same way that too many highly respected icons of the big screen gradually transform themselves into jobbing actors (I’m talking to you De Niro), there are unfortunately numerous examples of directors whose later films are a stark contrast to their early career.

You may disagree with some or all of these, but the following are five directors who really should call it a day for the sake of their professional credibility.

Who are the directors you wish would call it quits?

John Carpenter

John Carpenter

From his under-appreciated stoner sci-fi debut Dark Star, Carpenter went on a near-spotless run that included such undisputed genre classics as Assault On Precinct 13, Escape From New York, Halloween, Big Trouble In Little China, They Live and, of course, The Thing. It was always going to be a challenge to keep that sort of hit rate up, but the poorly received Escape From LA ushered in a slow, steady decline. Carpenter’s since limped on to direct a number of critical and commercial failures, including the ill-conceived Chevy Chase-starring Memoirs Of An Invisible Man, Ghosts Of Mars and, most recently, the little seen horror The Ward. Although Carpenter’s involvement in the numerous shoddy remakes/reimaginings of his best films seems to take up more of his time these days, one can only hope he decides not to tarnish his once great reputation by sitting himself down again in the director’s chair.

Francis Ford Coppola

Francis Ford Coppola

It can be argued that it’s a little unfair to include Francis Ford Coppola on this list as his last three projects – Youth Without Youth (2007), Tetro (2009) and Twixt (2011) – are smaller, more personal films, but the decline in the quality of his output is sad indeed when you consider what a titan he was. There was no greater filmmaker during the 1970s – The Godfather (1972), The Conversation (1974), The Godfather Part II (1974) and Apocalypse Now (1979) is as incredible a run as you’re ever likely to find – and Coppola recaptured some of this magic in his 80s movies Rumble Fish, The Cotton Club and Peggy Sue Got Married. But the wheels started to fall off with 1990’s The Godfather Part III (not a terrible film by any means, but a pale shadow of its earlier chapters) and by the time of the Robin Williams ‘comedy’ Jack Coppola had turned into what we hoped he’d never become – a hack-for-hire.

M. Night Shyamalan

M Night Shyamalan

What the hell happened to M. Night Shyamalan? Or was he nothing more than a one-trick pony? The Sixth Sense announced Shyamalan’s arrival in some style, while its superior follow-up Unbreakable (his best film) and alien invasion movie Signs seemed to suggest he was the real deal (let’s forget the final five minutes of Signs just for now). Even 2004’s The Village had its moments, but the cracks started to show in 2006’s Lady In The Water, which features a film critic being horribly killed (in case you wondered whether Shyamalan has a sense of humour, that was your answer). From there his movies have continued to soil a once-promising career, most notably 2008’s The Happening, a film so baffling in its concept and so inept in its execution you have to admire the fact it got made in the first place.

Brian De Palma

Brian De Palma

Five years before Robert De Niro exploded onto the big screen in Martin Scorsese’s Mean Streets he got his big break in De Palma’s 1968 satire Greetings. De Palma actually gave De Niro his first screen appearance in The Wedding Party, released in 1969, but made six years earlier. For this alone De Palma deserves credit, although he didn’t need Bobby’s help to direct some genuine classics of late 70s and 80s American cinema, including Carrie (1976), Blow Out (1981), Scarface (1983), The Untouchables (1986) and the troubling Casualties Of War (1989). His last great work – Carlito’s Way – was made 20 years ago and in the intervening period his career has gradually nose-dived, from clunky sci-fi Mission To Mars, to the heavy-handed War on Terror polemic Redacted and deeply disappointing The Black Dahlia, which merely underlined his status as the poor man’s Alfred Hitchcock. To make matters worse, his most recent film, 2012’s Passion pales in comparison to his earlier erotic thrillers. Time to bow out Brian.

Tim Burton

Tim Burton

There was a time when I awaited a new Tim Burton film with genuine anticipation. In the late 80s and 90s Burton was responsible for a whole new aesthetic in Hollywood moviemaking. Burton-esque even became a term to describe a certain brand of weird and wonderful cinema, while his surprising appointment as the director of 1989’s hugely successful Batman became the template used by Marvel two decades later (Kenneth Branagh being chosen to direct Thor, for example). Burton has generally been at his best when sticking to more personal material; the problem is that he doesn’t stick to this, choosing instead to clutter his filmography with ever-more disappointing big budget studio pictures, from the misguided Planet Of The Apes remake, to the lacklustre Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, woeful Alice In Wonderland and boring Dark Shadows. There was hope in 2012’s Frankenweenie, but when taken alongside his recent output this feels like a blip in an otherwise stalled career.

Debuts Blogathon – The Final List!

Following yesterday’s reminder about the ‘Debuts’ blogathon, hosted by myself and Chris at Terry Malloy’s Pigeon Coop, we’ve taken the difficult decision to stop accepting any further submissions in light of the overwhelming response we’ve had. I can speak for both of us when I say how taken aback we’ve been by the enthusiasm for the blogathon and the fascinating range of directors and films that have been submitted. It’s proven so popular in fact, we’ve regrettably had to turn some people away. Can I thank everyone for their interest in the blogathon.

We’ve had a whopping 22 submissions and the final list of contributors is as follows:

Head in a Vice – Quentin Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs (1992)

The Soul of the Plot – Alfred Hitchcock’s The Pleasure Garden (1925)

Cindy Bruchman – Clint Eastwood’s Play Misty For Me (1971)

FlixChatter – Ben Affleck’s Gone Baby Gone (2007)

Committed to Celluloid – Alejandro González Iñárritu’s Amores Perros (2000)

Cinematic – Terrence Malick’s Badlands (1973)

Tranquil Dreams – Hayao Miyazaki’s The Castle of Cagliostro (1979)

Karamel Kinema – Darren Aronofsky’s Pi (1998)

The IPC – Jodie Foster’s Little Man Tate (1991)

The Silver Screener – Christopher Nolan’s Following (1998)

And So It Begins… – David Gordon Green’s George Washington (2000)

She Speaks Movies – Joon-ho Bong’s Barking Dogs Never Bite (2000)

Film Police – David Lynch’s Eraserhead (1977)

Ewan at the Cinema – Jean-Luc Godard’s Breathless (1960)

The Running Reel – Sam Mendes’ American Beauty (1999)

Marked Movies – Joel Coen’s Blood Simple (1984)

Big Screen Small Words – Wes Anderson’s Bottle Rocket (1996)

Keith & The Movies – John Huston’s The Maltese Falcon (1941)

The Cinematic Katzenjammer – Duncan Jones’ Moon (2009)

Video as Life – John Lasseter’s Toy Story (1995)

From the Depths… – Frank Henenlotter’s Basket Case (1982)

Blank Page Beatdown – Danny Boyle’s Shallow Grave (1994)

In addition, I’ll be covering Steven Soderbergh’s Sex, Lies and Videotape (1989), while Chris will be casting his critical gaze over Stanley Kubrick’s Fear and Desire (1953). This means there are a total of 24 films on the list – not bad for a first blogathon!

Now that we have our list, we’ll be aiming to start the blogathon on Monday, September 2 and will post one review each on our sites (12 on this site and 12 on Terry Malloy’s Pigeon Coop). We’ll make sure to flag up each other’s daily posts to ensure every review on the list gets plenty of exposure.

Thank you to everyone who’s taking part in what we’re sure will be a great blogathon.